i feel guilty. i didnt go to gym today as i had a headache and i had instant noodles for dinner! arghhhh

a half year has passed, and my goals have been left behind.

Yes, I was all gung ho about my upcoming engagement and all that, and somehow nothing really worked out. I did lose a teeny amount of weight, but basically, I'm lousy at self motivation. I love my food. I eat. And the stress of my job wasn’t helping as my hormones were all screwed up. In a nutshell, I was hugely fat (all right, obese), had skin and health and hair problems, was insomniac and couldn’t get any mental peace. Engagement itself was stressful, with my divorced parents insisting on two separate functions and my fiancés people not making it. They hate my guts. Argh.

Anyway, enough whining. In the past six months, I struggled to be superwoman and supermom (I am the ‘mommy’ of a lovely little doggie) and ended up being ms fumbles. I was evicted, I quit my job and moved back home. Boo hoo me. I joined a slimming centre...which was …interesting if not downright weird. They hook you up to these machines and then make you pee and take your weight…hello that’s water and not weight right? And the food allowances would make anyone weep…unless they were made of stone. I tried to stick to the diet, for the first few weeks, honest. But my weight did not go down! They got all hot n bothered and I got irritated. I mean you can’t expect me to lose a kilo in two days…that’s what the dietician told me. And if I could, would I need a slimming centre????

So, I joined yoga classes. Great for a while, but no weight loss. I feel better about myself though! My puppy loves the chanting part and leaps up on my chest and licks my face every time I go ‘Oooommmmm’.

Still no weight loss. So now I do the inevitable (ow my aching back. And thighs. And rest of the body). I join gym. And wonder why the heck did I not do this before? It’s only been 3 days, three days of agony and ecstasy. Agony, naturally. Ecstasy because I love the endorphin rush. Hee hee. Enough for today. Gosh this is therapeutic. I feel lighter already.

i have a plan, i think which will enable me to deal with all the stuff mentioned in the prev post. heres how

week 1 (ends sunday)

1. follow the herbalife routine rigorously. no chocolate or snacks!
2. aim to increase treadmill stamina to 15 from 10 min
3. oil hair before each shampoo
4. facemask evey alt day
5. steam 3 times a week for both face and head. (how?)

week 2 (end of june-)
1. continue herbalife. if needed have only salad/ fruit/ third shake for 3rd meal.
2. increase water content. if this means peeing every 15 min, too bad.
3. continue treatments above. add ad hoc pedicure every alt dat and scrub feet.
4. body and face scrub 2wice a week. uptan 1 a week
aim to increase treadmill time to 20 min. get a facial!

week 3
all of above. get body steam 1ce a week
scrub and shape nails. inc time to 25 min
etc
week 6
all of above. get split ends chopped off. have hair rebonded. get a new haircut.

week 7
d day is close at hand. the works at salon- hair spa, waxing, bleach, manicure, pedicure, facial.
leave face for thurs evening. dont foret water!

oh my god

i have just realised that i am getting engaged in approximately 50 days. oh my god. do you even know what that means? no, i dont mean committment, weddings, financial planning, the whole idea of spending my life with 1 bloke only , no brouhaha

do you realise that i have only 50 days in which to look my best? this means:

1. lose as mch weight as i possibly can
2. beat the cold bug so i DONT catch cold- as i am prone to
3. exit dandruff from my mane
4. ditto dry hair
5. ditto split ends
6, get rid of the odd zit and whitehead on my face
7. get rid of my thailand beach tan
8. grow my fingernails to a decent level so they dont look so schoolgirlish
9 ditto toenails
ok- i feel like i am about to crack.


rrghhhhh!!!!!

where have I been- as if you wanted to know

its not easy complaining when the masters stare at you. masters, as in more than one. as in a bunch of them in an airy and aesthetic group. thats where ive beeen over the past three weeks, and frankly, they just told me to shut up and be a little happier to be me. ive seen them all- or well most of them. da vinci, raphael, botticelli, michaelangelo, bernini. monet, manet, picasso, renoir. ive seen the collosoeum and versailles. ive floated on a gondola by moonlight and oohed and aahed at the ferrari factory. spent a week (almost) at paris and fell in love with the city. not its confusing metro lines though. ive been chased across the continent by sweet love letters and a frantic puppy. Ive been jet lagged and fallen of a segway. twice. and posed in front of the Eiffel tower.

so i dont really think i can rant and rave about life, now, can i?

well knowing me tomorrow i will probably feel different. but for now, this is good.

ms de winter, i presume?

Who I am is not important.
Okay. So that’s a lie. It’s pretty darn important, because—well, heck, it’s me isn’t it?
Who I am is not important. Well, not as important. Unimportant enough for me to just say that. Not important enough for me to lie about it.
Blogs are as far removed from reality as funny mirrors are. You believe what you perceive, but at the same time, something inside you tells you what you’re looking at is illusion. Damn right it is. Its just words after all.
Words are powerful. But that’s all they are. Words. Easily effaced, easily erased; easily twisted into points and counterpoints. I can see purists cringing already. What a sensation I am going to be.
I will say it out front. There’s no use being squeamish about it—after all, with all due respect to Google’s search engine, barely anyone is ever going to chance upon this. I have a problem.
So what—so does everyone else, you know. Biggies, itty-bitties, not-so-big-ones, not-so-little-ones. Are you at all familiar with mind your language?
Okay. I have several itty-bitties; in fact I think I have a good mix of each. Let’s put them aside for a minute- they’re not all there is to me, although most often I have a really hard time believing that. Okay, so hard a time that I must catalogue some of them; itchy fingers, you know?

I have personality related issues. I’ve lived through violence, incest, child and spousal abuse. I think it’ll make me crack up some day
I have confidence issues. Sure. This smooth whey faced image isn’t really me, is it? If you met me (well I think that's true for the vast majority) you’d never notice me. But I have inferiority issues. And I’m pretty badly in hate with myself.
I have weight issues. I can’t stop eating sometimes; it’s like a compulsion. I overdo it, and then I overcompensate. And swing on and on. Funny. I hate roundabouts. One would think I’d stop.
I adore Keats, but I don't think its fair of him to subconsciously foist his problems on me. Argh- I made that up. He doesn't visit me at night. But yes, I do feel the tug of war between desire and denial that he was always umpiring. Desire- for people. For the human touch. Love. Affection. All that jazz. Denial. Because no one wants me- or I think they don't, I overdo it and tell myself I don't need anyone. Well, except my puppy. I am the love of her life.
My job. I am frankly- quite unhappy with it. And I think the only reason im still here is because of the money. Lord- how mercenary of me! Still, hyperventilating every day when looking at a sheet full of numbers is not fun.

That I think about sums it up. What a groaner I am. No wonder my boyfriend is often tired of me. Still, sometimes I tire of him too.

And now I think I’ve done quite enough. For today, of course. Because somehow, I intend to work my way through these problems. And document my struggle and probable failures.